AI specialists at Honda robotics were shocked to learn this week that their creation Asimo was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. After having noticed some peculiar traits he was taken to the renowned psychiatric institute at the University of Pittsburgh. After extensive study, scientists have concluded that Asimo does indeed have Asperger's. "He has all the symptoms... problems with social skills, eccentric or repetitive behaviors, unusual rituals, and most importantly, an inability to assess emotion" said psychologist Maurice Hanraty as he was abruptly interrupted by Asimo; "EE--MO--SHUN?. WHAT--IS-THIS?.. EE..MO.SHUN..? Psychologists are still trying to understand why Asimo speaks loudly, in breaks . The bipedal autonomous robot also appears to lack empathy and exhibits delayed motor development as seen by his awkward walk. Given the conclusive nature of Asimo's diagnosis, he was given a host of prescription drugs such as Lisdexamfetamine & Risperidone to help adjust as well as possible. After a few weeks of steadily increasing dosage, Honda scientists noticed that Asimo was not even taking the medication he was instructed to take; no doubt the reaction of a robot who is scared of being different. "We will always love him, he's our special little guy" said Hirohito Takahashi, lead engineer at Honda Robotics. "LOOVE...SPEH--SHUUHL" echoed Asimo as he stared blankly.
Having woken up with a swollen neck muscle, after passing out while watching Hell's Kitchen the night before; IT specialist David Hinder found himself fantasizing about how his life would change if the swelling was caused by a cancerous tumor. Several witnesses reported David had a sense of peace and indifference on his face as opposed to the regular furrowed brows he usually uses to convey the seriousness of his work as he looks into his monitor thinking of the string of life events that led him to where he is. This sense of peace was brought out by the possibility of change which only the sweet release of imminent death could bring to David's life. The 28 year old thought of all the ways he could be an inspiration to people by joking about his condition and leave a lasting memory of himself before he courageously slipped away to become a beacon of light in everyone else's dark worlds.
"I would definitely set up a charity in my name, maybe the 'Hindel Health Foundation' so people would remember me periodically with fondness and respect as opposed to pity and sorrow" said Hindel as he looked at Web MD for any possible signs that the swelling in his neck might be the thing that gets his father to finally see how wrong he was for not spending more time with his son.
The sun rises in Antarctica, and illuminates the carnage from the night before; as black and white penguins continue the bloody battle for a third day. In a statement released from the Black House, the Black Emperor penguin called for an immediate end to weapon shipments from the Russians to the white penguins. The cease fire signed by both parties in Geneva weeks ago was short lived, and both parties blame one another for the violence. When approached for comment about treatment of Black POW's in White penguin camps, the white emperor penguin said nothing and waddled away; surely a sign of the bitter cold face of this conflict. This complex geopolitical struggle has drawn serious calls for action from the UN Security Council; but Polar Bears have threatened to veto any such direct military action from NATO. Also a rising concern among the international community are extremist rebel groups within the black penguins, who have used brutal force against innocent penguins civilians. These penguin groups are being investigated by the UN for war crimes, but reliable intelligence has been difficult to attain with the fog of war. There is still no word on whether Morgan Freeman will be available to mediate further peace talks between the penguins.